Finals... day two

I spent the entire day at home, the visitation and funeral was at 1 pm. It was hard, it's still hard. I'm trying to work through it. Thankfully, one of my professors is letting me take a final I was supposed to have tomorrow on Wednesday instead. I get to take it in his office and an extra day to study. Thank God. I'm so overwhelmed with everything and I can't imagine studying for two finals tonight. I'm already about ready to crash. Which I think I'm about to go to sleep, so I can wake up early and study some more for my final that is at noon...

Happy finals season.

Finals... day one.

Finals weeks is officially here. Three tests stand in the way of me and sweet sweet freedom. I'm having to study pretty hardcore today for my two test that are Tuesday. I'm driving home tomorrow morning for my great grandmothers funeral. It still fully hasn't hit me yet. I think it will when I get there and my cousin and I start talking face to face. He's the only one I would talk to growing up that was not my parents. We just understand each other and what we are thinking. Tomorrow it becomes real and tomorrow is going to be a very hard day. And long. I'm leaving here by 730 AM. 

Last night we (Auburn University) won the SEC Conference Championships. It was amazing. Words can't express how phenomenal Toomer's Corner was. If you don't know what Toomer's Corner is, the tradition states that with any Auburn victory we go and roll the Oak trees that are on the corner across from Toomer's drug store downtown. There's a long story behind it, I could tell you but I'm sure no one cares. Well we got to Toomer's and it was insane I will try and upload a picture or two at the end of this post. A guy who has apparently been crushing on me super hard for a while now miraculously found us and right before we parted ways kissed me under a rolled Toomer's corner. It was highly unexpected, and weird. Haha. But hey, we just got told we were going to the National Championship Game... EMOTIONS WERE HIGH! haha. 

Now, I'm studying for a Marketing final and a Management final. Both are Tuesday. I will probably die. I emailed my Management professor and told him about my situation and asked if I could somehow take my final on Wednesday. I don't know if it will work or not. But it was worth a shot and at least I tried. The test won't be too hard, I'm not that worried if I can't move it, but I would like to. 

I'm just very overwhelmed by everything and finals is just adding to the stress of it all. Time to get back to the grind... marketing here I come.

Saying it makes it real

I've struggled with writing this post for about 6 days now. I didn't want to have to type this out and actually think these words but it seems like I need to say it. For myself. So I can start really understanding. This post could get long, and for that I apologize I just really need to say everything, that way I can begin to understand.

My great grandmother was put in the hospital two weeks ago today. She was having trouble swallowing and as a precaution they wanted to run some test. A simple test was being run and they found cancer on her lungs. She has never smoked a day in her life but alas it took a hold of her. They decided to put a tube down her throat to see if they could understand what was going on with her inability to swallow. The tube wouldn't even go down.

The doctor came in and told her she had cancer, and chemo wouldn't help. They couldn't figure out why she could not swallow anything. She stayed in the hospital for 6 days and then they sent her home.

They sent her home. Someone stays with her at all times. She can hardly walk, after sitting up for a short time she gets tired, and she sleeps most of the time. They gave her two to three weeks when she was sent home. The one week mark passed yesterday. The doctor sent my grandma Roney, my sweet sweet great grandmother home to starve to death because they couldn't do anything to help her. She's in constant pain, constant. She can't even swallow water. She's slowly disappearing before our eyes and they can't do a damn thing about it. And you know where I'm at? Auburn, because I have finals.

I should be home. I should be sitting in her living room being there for her--for my family. Talking to her on the good times that she has when she can talk. But no, I'm here trying to find the will to study for finals that are next week.

It's become real because I've finally accepted it.

And I hate it.

I'm not a whore.

I refuse to be a whore to get someone's attention back on me. Or to even get them to talk to me like we used to. I refuse to throw myself at him just to have some acknowledgement that I still exist. I refuse to change what I believe just to gain his affection back.

So, I'm sorry I don't play an instrument in the band.
I'm sorry I'm not a "fine" girl that danced with you.
I'm sorry that when I was drunk, instead of going home with you I called you out on ignoring me the entire night.
I'm sorry I'm true to myself and refuse to be anything else.

Cause I'm sure that's exactly what he wants me to say. But I'm not going to. I was his friend/whatever else before all the crazy popularity happened and I'll still be his friend after the fad dies down.

Besides he signed up for a class I was in only because I told him I was taking it. So, that counts for something.


Okay my little mini rant/piss and moan session is over.

I have a Marketing test tomorrow and I really need to study for it. Ugh. I hate this class and I need at least a C on the test tomorrow... easier said than done. I'm just waiting for Thursday at midnight to happen cause that's when HARRY POTTER COMES OUT!!! AHHHHH SO EXCITED It's going to be AMAZING!!!! Got my midnight release ticket and I'm ready to go!!! My Neville Longbottom shirt is clean and my Ravenclaw scarf is ready to be worn it best be cold that night. It's going to be great.

Ugh, I need to go back to studying. Like hardcore studying. So ready for Thanksgiving break... only 4 more days.

Learning so much in so little

This past weekend I went to the camp I worked at this summer and taught canoe to about 140 people. The high the entire weekend was going to be 51 and the low would be around 30. The ladies I worked with were amazing, I don't think I've ever felt so welcomed by women who were older than I am than this past weekend from these lovely ladies. I taught canoe all day Saturday and about froze my toes off, I thought I was going to write a short post about how my weekend went but there was something else I wanted to say about this weekend.

Late Saturday night after the rest of the camp had gone to bed and were all asleep in their sleeping bags; me, the cook, and the program director sat up and talked. We originally were talking about random stupid things and then they asked about my life. Or rather my romantic life. They asked about this new guy. They asked if we were still in that big goofy smile stage where you can't stop looking at them with the googly eyes. I told them we were never in that stage and immediately they said "he's not the one." I had this crazy look on my face probably cause they both explained their husbands were the only ones they were never able to stop looking and smiling all goofingly at. Not only did they teach me that somewhat ridiculous information but they did tell me something really smart. Don't go down to any guys level. If they aren't on your level they aren't worth it. And to never change who I was for anyone. I've heard the latter for years but it really just hit home hearing it from them.

I think the reason the whole idea of being married and settling down has been on my mind recently is because a lot of my friends are getting married and people are asking when that'll be me. And the fact that these two women told me just because everyone else was getting married doesn't mean I should feel bad about myself or try and change myself just so I can find someone to put a ring on my finger and marry me. But to wait for someone that was actually special and didn't make me change.

Okay, that was way more sappy than I wanted it to be. I'm going to finish watching tv and then go to bed. My power is back on from it's little outage this afternoon and I've finished all my work, I think it's time I start going to be early.